me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
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Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
How actors in movies eat their food
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.