Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
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So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy