what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
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Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
When I laugh on my period
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.