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My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions