Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
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Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”