Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
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We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY