I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
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Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Why am I like this?
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job