*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
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COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….