You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
You Might Also Like
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
the clam before the storm
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this