every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
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Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!