My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
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Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Good point.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.