I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
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Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”