Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
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[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened