Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
You Might Also Like
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
The Backseat Boys
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.