MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
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Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.