5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
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Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
The cashier just checked me out.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.