My typo game is string.
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“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.