A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
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[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not