The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
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Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
I love the National Park Service.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
are there any atheist mantises?
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.