angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
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Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
This kid is going places
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Noah was an idiot.