Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
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the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.