Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
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Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
my mom making me talk to relatives
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
sir, my pâté if you please
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful