My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
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My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave