Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
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My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-