Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
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So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that鈥檚 what we鈥檙e trying to find out Owen
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
If we鈥檙e in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it鈥檚 already too late for me.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Me: I don鈥檛 really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let鈥檚 keep it that way.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Me: what鈥檚 in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槅馃槅馃槅馃馃馃槀馃槀
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Finding a hair in food that you鈥檝e just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you鈥檙e bald.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I鈥檝e never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she鈥檚 already given them our social security numbers