“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
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And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I cannot call her anything else now
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is