Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
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meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
I gave up going to work for lent.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.