God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
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Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.