my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
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I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
This cat wants you to take your pills
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain