Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
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Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.