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*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
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You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Somebody’s lying.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Name this drama.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*