Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
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I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 馃檨
I鈥檓 making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Welcome to your 40鈥檚. Quality pens turn you on now.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
therapist: so what鈥檚 troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero鈥檚 must be so long 馃槶
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Me: I鈥檒l have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I鈥檓 cutting you off
The worst fight I鈥檝e ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.