ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
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You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.