Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
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Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Skills
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
hackers play passwordle
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️