I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
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If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
it was love at first sight
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends