One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
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Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”