Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
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People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now