not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
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PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Name this drama.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.