If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
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Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Des Moines Police having a normal one
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep