I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
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Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
me hitting on a model
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.