[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
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*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer