[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
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I hate everything
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
yes, those are my real potatoes.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
A friend helps you before you need it
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character