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[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Selfie
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
beware of dog
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
new year update: losing everything but weight
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?