Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
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[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Breaking news:
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles