My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
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[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
But is it really??
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.