Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
You Might Also Like
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
They also CAN sing✌️
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
True
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile