The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
You Might Also Like
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it