I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
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[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁