Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
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me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*