It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
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Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
79.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Always
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Still my favourite meme.